Realizations in Retrospect…

Getting my head wrapped around the concept that I am experiencing some growth is really something foreign to me. Usually, my growth is so smooth and unobtrusive, I hardly even notice it. Lately, however, it has been like waves that come crashing down heavily on a rocky shore. The dream about my Matron is one that I try to reenact every night before going to sleep. Perhaps it is the excitement at having actually been in Her physical, yet ethereal presence for even a millisecond; perhaps it is the feeling that there is more, and that I have come to this place of desire for more and need to slow down so that I can absorb all that is happening and changing. I am currently working on slowing it all down a bit and enjoying the process.

Having gone to the Buddhist monastery in Carmel, New York, after many years of saying I was going to go, I have come to a richer understanding of “living in the moment” and “being present” in my own life. I took in all of the sights and sounds and smells. I ventured outside of my comfort zone and made some preconceived wrong notions go away in the face of educating myself. I am quite proud that at one moment in my life, that I would even consider returning to this sacred space alone to do what I would like, at the pace and in the space of my own choosing. That is indeed a milestone for me.

The synchronicity of what is transpiring in my life is exciting and new. I feel like I haven’t lived in a very long time. There is, however, something that I have done my entire life; frightful as it may read, I’ve always been a lemming of sorts, following along to the edge and over with whatever the popular vote might be at any specific time or place, rather than taking the reigns and moving along in my own journey, I allowed myself to be moved instead of moving myself. This has not necessarily been a bad thing as I was “moved” toward Hekate, avoided the serious, heady, intellectual reads in favor of saying I could intuit what I needed from Her and what She needed from me. Sadly, sadly and dangerously, I was wrong. Now I am moving forward with a great new zest and love for the learning process and no longer simply swallowing hook, line and sinker what the Neopagan community is feeding the masses.

The cross roads, Her meeting place, is the crossing of altering my self talk, living my life in a more gentle fashion, and becoming more genuinely connected to Hekate in a meaningful way. The symbols, the needs, the veneration, all of it must converge some where along this way. It all has a very synchronic feel. I feel like I’m moving, finally, and the center is the destination.

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