Archive | May 2014

Realizations in Retrospect…

Getting my head wrapped around the concept that I am experiencing some growth is really something foreign to me. Usually, my growth is so smooth and unobtrusive, I hardly even notice it. Lately, however, it has been like waves that come crashing down heavily on a rocky shore. The dream about my Matron is one that I try to reenact every night before going to sleep. Perhaps it is the excitement at having actually been in Her physical, yet ethereal presence for even a millisecond; perhaps it is the feeling that there is more, and that I have come to this place of desire for more and need to slow down so that I can absorb all that is happening and changing. I am currently working on slowing it all down a bit and enjoying the process.

Having gone to the Buddhist monastery in Carmel, New York, after many years of saying I was going to go, I have come to a richer understanding of “living in the moment” and “being present” in my own life. I took in all of the sights and sounds and smells. I ventured outside of my comfort zone and made some preconceived wrong notions go away in the face of educating myself. I am quite proud that at one moment in my life, that I would even consider returning to this sacred space alone to do what I would like, at the pace and in the space of my own choosing. That is indeed a milestone for me.

The synchronicity of what is transpiring in my life is exciting and new. I feel like I haven’t lived in a very long time. There is, however, something that I have done my entire life; frightful as it may read, I’ve always been a lemming of sorts, following along to the edge and over with whatever the popular vote might be at any specific time or place, rather than taking the reigns and moving along in my own journey, I allowed myself to be moved instead of moving myself. This has not necessarily been a bad thing as I was “moved” toward Hekate, avoided the serious, heady, intellectual reads in favor of saying I could intuit what I needed from Her and what She needed from me. Sadly, sadly and dangerously, I was wrong. Now I am moving forward with a great new zest and love for the learning process and no longer simply swallowing hook, line and sinker what the Neopagan community is feeding the masses.

The cross roads, Her meeting place, is the crossing of altering my self talk, living my life in a more gentle fashion, and becoming more genuinely connected to Hekate in a meaningful way. The symbols, the needs, the veneration, all of it must converge some where along this way. It all has a very synchronic feel. I feel like I’m moving, finally, and the center is the destination.

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A weekend to remember…

I’m new to this whole blogging thing and, if I’m being honest, wordpress is intimidating.  With that in mind, you’ll bear with me as I get my wits about me and describe what I call a weekend to remember.

It has been some time since I’ve actually connected with my SELF; that part of me that doesn’t like to be alone, doesn’t like silence, and doesn’t like to be still.  I’ve placed that part of me in the middle of a hectic life, constantly bombarded with “shiny” things to distract me from being me, to keep me from self-exploration, and to divert my otherwise focused attention on the noise in my world.  Intentional?  Yes.  Quite intentional.  I’m not hiding, per se; I’m out in the open and honest with myself about my dishonesty and about my unwillingness to be quiet and still and to listen and focus.  Rather, I’ve thrown myself headlong and quite deliberately into the lives, turmoil, and troubles of my friends, my family, and even my friends’ friends.  Anything that will take my attention away from me seems a likely candidate to pursue.  It is silly, really, when I think about it in the darkest hours of night while no one else is making a sound any louder than a snore or a stray fart; it’s completely juvenile…it’s like when a child is being corrected or chastised and they become intently focused on not listening while animatedly continuing to focus every ounce of their attention on NOT listening to the person correcting/chastising them.  It’s completely stupid!  So I stopped…this past weekend…I listened, I picked up a pen, and I wrote for the first time in a long time.  I noticed my style of play, attempting to divert my attention from the task of writing by admiring my pen, by repeatedly turning the pages in my journal , by reading long since dried ink on yellowed sheets – anything to keep me from putting that pen to that page and letting it flow…and returning to the first part of the journey back to writing.

Today, I made the decision that intimidation be damned!  I will pick up this laptop, I will turn it on, and I will draft something, anything, and not be distracted from the process.  After all, it is the process, the expectation, the events leading up to the actual act that give the person the thrill of the moment…the actual act, for me, being anticlimactic.  And I am not going to look back, I am not going to second guess, hell, I’m not even going to edit.  I’m going to post this and see where it brings me…maybe tomorrow I will write about the weekend to remember instead of being diverted to write about the act of writing instead.

Not so shiny happy people, not holding hands either!

I rather like this picture, it’s not so shiny and happy; yet there is certain understanding that I have made up in my mind about who this dandy man is and what he is doing with his dapper coat and tails and his top hat.  I imagine, if I were a crow, that this man would be the “Johnny Depp” of the corvid community.  He would be the crow to whom I would flock, requesting entry to his murder.  Yes, I’ve made up quite the lovely, dark, and fog covered love story with this picture.  I wish I knew to whom I should give credit.  I so love crows.

 

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This entry was posted on May 18, 2014. 2 Comments